In an alternate universe, I probably would have become a high-school English teacher. I take pride in my (mostly) proper use of spelling, grammar, and punctuation, partly because it's something that's always come quite naturally to me. So you can probably understand how, in recent years, I've become increasingly annoyed at how our language has begun to decay before my eyes. Misspellings, incorrect usage, poor punctuation -- some of it even showing up in supposedly "professional" media like news and advertising! -- are beginning to make us look stupid. So, I thought I'd do my best to try and help get us back on the right track with a handy-dandy guide to my pet peeves of modern English (part 1):
"Ginormous" is not a word. It never has been and, if I have anything to say about it, it never will be. It's a moronic melding of two legitimate words, gigantic and enormous. Please use one of those words ... they'd appreciate being used, and that's what they're there for. I hate how all these allegedly trendy portmanteaus have insidiously worked their way into the modern lexicon, especially with names, like "Brangelina" and "Zanessa".
Gift is not a verb. This is something that's become popular online, where you have the option to "gift this item". No, you don't "gift" something -- you give it as a gift. For the love of crap, please don't succumb to the dumb of using this word improperly. Consider it a gift to yourself, if it makes you feel any better.
There is no a in definitely. It says so right there ... look it up in the dictionary, I dare you. We need to respect the true spellings of words, people. The same goes for calendar ... remember, one e and two a's. Every home should have a dictionary, and everyone who doesn't want to look like a moron should make use of it.
Their they're is there ... and so is your you're. If you were paying attention in class, you should have been able to nail down the various spellings of these words by about the sixth grade. "Their" and "your" are things that belong to them or you; "they're" and "you're" (the ones with apostrophes) are actions that they or you are about to do; and "there" is where it's at. Got it?
"I could care less" ... no, you couldn't. I cringe whenever people get this expression wrong, which is about 75% of the time. When you "could care less", that's not saying much. It's when you "couldn't care less" that it's worth mentioning, and that's the right way to say the damn thing. I couldn't care less how you spend your free time, as long as you learn to say that expression correctly.
It's nuclear, not nucular. That's another thing that makes me wanna slap people ... mispronouncing the word nuclear. I hated George W. Bush for plenty of reasons, and this was one of the big ones. It can't be that hard to pronounce the word correctly. If remembering that there are no such things as "nucules" doesn't work, then watch the scene in "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" where Chekov is looking for the "noo-klee-ar wessels" ... or say it as two words: "new clear" ... either of those is better than pronouncing it the wrong way.
Like, stop using, like, the word, like, "like", so much ... like. How did this word come to infest American speech so much? Outside of using it for its proper meaning, using it as an idle word is fine every once in awhile -- kind-of like a verbal punctuation mark is how I think of it -- but please, try and keep it under 27 times in every sentence. Your generation may have become inured to it by now, but to the rest of us it's annoying and it makes you look unintelligent.
Okay, that should be enough helpful hints to get you more sloppy English-speakers started on the path back to appearing intelligent. And believe me, although these are all I could think of for now, rest assured there are probably plenty more things I'll add to this list later on.
