Tomorrow is ... International Burn the Dove World Outreach Center Day!

September 11 -- which is supposed to be a somber commemoration of the lives lost in the World Trade Center attack -- is being targeted for a garish upstaging this Saturday by some crackpot preacher-man in Kentucky (well, Florida actually, but that's close enough), who somehow seems to think it's a good idea to throw an egregious spectacle of reckless hate-speech in the form of an organized burning of numerous copies of The Qur'an, the Muslims' holy scripture.

I have a better idea. How about, on September 10, we engage in a little incendiary ecclesiastical celebration of our own -- a bit of "pious pyromania", if you will? It's time, my brothers and sisters, to join hands in a congregational conflagration of eyebrow-singeing, kerosene-soaked worship that I believe -- I say, I believe! -- will be beneficial to the world community of faith and true to the religious beliefs of all humankind like none have been before! Bring your marshmallows and your weenies (I'm talking about hot dogs, you dirty-minded people) as we raise our matches in praise and ... burn that sorry-ass coop of self-righteous mothercussers to the ground. I'd like to declare September 10, 2010, as "International Burn the Dove World Outreach Center Day"! Here are five reasons why we should burn the Dove World Outreach Center.

1) Because, let's face it, anyone who takes The Bible so literally as to believe the planet Earth and all its plant and animal life sprang into existence fully-formed in less than a week, and that the entire human race descended from two people, clearly needs a reality check. All unbiased genetic science points to the conclusion that, if Adam and Eve's kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids were the incestuous, cousin-lovin' inbreeders the evangelicals suggest they were, about 95% of the Earth's population would have Down Syndrome. Then again, the way we humans have been behaving lately, maybe there's some credence to their argument....

2) Because DWOC's founder, the "reverend" Terry Jones, got kicked out of a church he also formed in Germany, thanks to alleged megalomaniacal proclivities and embezzlement of church funds. But then, the Catholic church has no problem ignoring far worse crimes like child molestation, so ... potāto, potăto. Oh, but did we mention that he was fined by the German court for calling himself a "doctor" because he had an honorary (read: fake) degree from an unaccredited (read: not worth a crap) theology school in California? That guy's just heaping with credibility now, ain't he?

3) Because the vast majority of Muslims are peace-loving and benevolent, with only a tiny sliver of its radical fringe being responsible for causing 9/11. Not only is this "Burn The Koran Day" a recklessly inaccurate generalization of an entire religious faith, but it's further legitimizing the anti-American sentiment that already permeates the Middle East ... DWOC is effectively painting an even bigger target on the backs of the thousands of brave U.S. troops still stationed there. Besides, this sensationalistic behavior by DWOC is only emphasizing the dangers of misunderstanding an entire faith based on the extreme behavior of a microscopic fraction of its "followers". If DWOC is trying to make a point with irony (and I rather doubt they can even grasp the concept), it's a grossly negligent way of doing so.

4) Because DWOC claims that "all of the Islamic writings ... are confused, contradictory and inconsistent". Well, ain't that The Bible calling The Qur'an "black"? How can any one of the multiple versions and translations of The Bible be the accurate interpretation, especially when each religion's leaders claim theirs is the definitive word of God? And while we're on the subject of inconsistency, let's not forget how many so-called "devoutly" religious people seem to cherry-pick which verses in Leviticus are and are not abominations. Hey, if you prattle on about how gay sex is a no-no, then you'd best not have a tattoo, be trimming your beard, wearing polyester-cotton blend clothing, or eating pork, otherwise I'm gonna have a big problem with you.

5) Because the "reverend" Fred Phelps and his hatemongering Westboro Baptist Church are fully supportive of DWOC and this cockamamie stunt. Hey, far as I'm concerned, that's reason enough right there ... scum by association. Talk about being "damned with praise". Oh, don't get me started on Phelps and his minions, I'll tell you right now. Any religious organization who feels the need to preach their message primarily through hate speech is fully ignorant of the true nature of Christianity and IS NOT RELIGIOUS ... not in the slightest, I don't care what anyone says. No entity calling itself a "church" would have "www.godhatesfags.com" as its URL. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that the majority of Phelps' flock are relatives, and that's probably the case with Mr. Jones, too.

Oh, and let's not forget reason number 6) Because no one with a handlebar mustache can possibly be taken seriously as a clergyman, just like no one wearing a cowboy hat can possibly be taken seriously as a lawyer.

Seriously, though, how dare those assholes call their church the "Dove World Outreach Center"? That name is about as full of shit as "The Family Research Council", and they're being allowed to pervert the symbol of the dove -- the animal of peace -- for their own malignant philosophy. And as long as we're burning down the Dove World Outreach Center, let's go ahead and torch the Westboro Baptist Church too, while we're at it. Hey, it's in Kentucky, too (well, actually it's in Kansas, but that's close enough).

Okay, I consider it a crying shame that the art of satire is lost on about 85% of the American population and that I actually have to spell this out here, but here goes: The preceding piece was written primarily in the context of satire, although its sentiment is genuine. The author does not condone or intend for any bodily harm or property damage to be inflicted on the Dove World Outreach Center or the Westboro Baptist Church, or any of its members, and is not responsible for inciting such action ... even though those assholes really do have it coming to them.

Hey ... the DWOC's website is down ... I'm diggin' it.

Happy "90210 Day"!

Yes, today is 9/02/10 ... so what better day to celebrate that most '90s of all '90s TV shows, "Beverly Hills, 90210"! Not the mediocre remake that's running now, mind you (hey, even Jennie Garth had the sense to bail on that one), I'm talking the original, the vintage, the classic! If you're too young to remember that show, you really missed out. Anyway, to celebrate, I thought I'd show you the main title you probably don't remember: the very first main title the show ever had, before the one that we all know and love and was even remixed for the new series. Enjoy...!